Because although the world is so wide and vast and full of endless possibilities and adventures waiting for me, and there are places to go and new friends to make and parts of myself I have yet to discover, the truth remains that for the first time I'll be flying off without you at the departure gates waving goodbye, and that hurts way more than it should.

we are two small stars, and the universe expands between us

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your gave like sunbeams and you will always look lovely. - Roald Dahl 

Today was one of the days that my cheekbones hurt from smiling so much. There wasn't even anything particularly special that happened, but it just felt like it was a good time to be alive.

My last two weeks in S'pore spent completing more applications, sorting out moots admin, spending quality time with the people i love & meeting new friends. I really couldn't ask for more.

I feel small; but so are stars from a distance

When i found out last wednesday, I realised that nothing could prepare me for the pain.

I felt a sickening thud in my chest, and wondered if i could actually, possibly die from a broken heart. Then my heart started beating so furiously fast that for a while, the pulsing sound was all i could hear.

I remembered, suddenly, a time when he placed two fingers over my wrist and felt my heart beat within my veins. There, i can feel it right there. 

And then i was left all alone, with nothing but his fingerprints and a pulsating heart.

I counted the number of steps to the road, and wondered which unfortunate car would be smeared with my blood if i stepped off the curb with my eyes closed. I imagined feeling the heat of the headlights, my legs being pinned down and my body dragged and burnt by the rough edges of the road before slowly bleeding to death.

Then I thought about my parents, and stopped. I couldn't be so fucking selfish.

Instead, I ran with a friend. I ran until my legs ached and my lungs burnt, towards the fucking glorious light that we aimed for. I didn't know what was there, I didn't know if there even was anything there, but it didn't matter.

You didn't write me love poems, so now i'm writing them for myself. Capital letters on my header so people know i'm making changes you never would have approved of. I'm laughing loud now, i'm singing where others can hear me, i'm pretending that i'm on stage because maybe shakespeare knows a little something. 

You never held me gently to wake up, you never pushed my hair back behind my ear. You didn't buy me chocolate. You never drew me flowers. We watched your shows and listened to your music and ate the foods that you loved and i tolerated. Well now i'm putting in extra conditioner and lathering up. I'm not wearing my hair like i used to. I'm somebody else now, and I look it. Mornings are bliss because i rise and i mean it. I'm pretty and perfect and i don't need to wait around for you to remember to tell me it, i know it. I draw my own flowers on everything i own, i bathe in them. I marathon seasons of television without worrying that you'll miss something. I listen to my music so loud that the speakers start jumping. I eat food that feels good and i feel good to be eating. 

And my hands? These hands that have scoured floors and your skin and have held you and held us together and pushed myself into the idea of what you wanted and scratched and clawed and never took enough? These hands are athena, these hands are temple for. These hands don't need to apologise for where they've been, they know and they're happy about it. These hands could build cities and burn down rome. These hands grow gardens and sew with steel. These hands are fire. These hands write my destiny, paint my sky and swaddle my sleep. These hands are strong enough to pull me to shore. I am free. I am free. No. I don't need you anymore. - inkskinned

Someone once asked, if you could take it all back, would you?

A friend sent me an article that said
on average, 13.5 billion breakups span across your lifetime.
Everyone gets their heart broken
at least twice.
It's normal, don't you see? We're humans
therefore we ache.
Perhaps that was meant to be reassuring somehow,
i'm not alone
in this sea of sadness.

But all I could think of were
the number of
rose-gold necklaces that strung together
promises
that were too good to be true, now sitting
in unlabelled boxes,
hastily shoved in a corner collecting
dust and tears.

The great Amazon River is 3,192 miles long.
I used to be almost
twice as far away from him.
It's funny how
much I've flown just to
bridge the distance but now
I can't calculate
the number of
detours, taken on a daily basis,
or how many extra miles i go
just to avoid
any path he might
be on.

I wondered
where all the millions of deleted cheesy pictures
went
and how in the world
would wiping out his existence
help to reduce
the burning hole he left
in my heart.