i don't wish to go back but oh God,

i wish i knew what was happening when it happened. that first loves burn out like a flame and that feeling of innocence and giddy happiness and unadulterated love - that doesn't happen again, ever.
i wish i could drink up every moment, soak it in. lie under the stars without a care in the world, think that this is my fairy tale ending and actually believe it. feel my pulse racing when he leans in to kiss me for the first time, feel my skin pressed up against his and understand what love songs were about.

it's different now. love is calmer, gentler. we reserve parts of ourselves from the past that we can't recover from. love is conditional now, it meets expectations and obligations and lists of criteria. love picks you up and sends you home. love makes you feel secure, comforted, safe. gone are the days of screaming matches, of that sick feeling of desperation and heartbreak. gone are the days where emotions run high and wild. love is controlled now, certain, steady.