This is how I will remember the last night

I'll remember the way you slipped your fingers through mine, and we both held on so tight as if we couldn't bear to let go. The way your hand rested so casually on the small of my back, guiding me carefully through the midnight traffic. The way I caught you looking, staring, so intently at my face as if you were trying to memorise it and carve it on your heart. The way we stood outside tj, silently replaying scenes from where we first met, and how we wished we were on the other side of the gates.

I'll remember the way conversation flowed, so naturally, it reminded me of why i fell in love with you, and then the immediate waves of sadness that followed because how do you go back to being strangers with someone who has seen your soul? The way you laughed, and the way your eyes crinkled with happiness. The way you sounded when you told me you missed the weird gurgling sound i make when i taste something sour. The way you said my name with all the love and pain and sadness in the world.

This is my proof. There was that afternoon, when things were still good between us, and he embraced me, and we were so happy. It did happen, he did love me. (x)

3 days after

I will walk by myself
and cure myself 
in the sunshine and the wind 

It hits me first when I wake up. I fumble for my phone only to remember that your name will never appear on my screen again. Once the shock passes, i try to grapple with the enormity of the matter. Sadness engulfs me completely and for a moment i consider just running back straight into your arms.

On the way to work I studiously avoid looking at any happy couples. Each one a walking, living reminder of what i've lost.

I try not to use my phone much during the day. I stay clear of social media, I resist the urge to look at old photos, I forbid myself to linger at old notes.

Today, I only hid and cried once.

After work, I head to a friend's house for dinner. We talk for hours about anything and everything - politics, you, harry potter, work, life.

I don't feel sorry for myself anymore though.
Instead, I count my blessings everyday. The amount of love and care and concern that I've felt in the past 3 days from my friends and family far surpasses anything i have ever experienced.

I still get mad sometimes. I still hurt whenever I pass by a restaurant we used to frequent or glance at something that reminds me of you. But i'm healing and recovering and breathing and laughing again, and for all that, I am thankful.