i'm at the stage where all i feel are small twinges of sadness. The disbelief has finally set in, the phases of uncontrollable anger and rage have faded, the nights of tears and longing and desperation have passed.
the week before this was probably the worst. that's when it really sunk in- he's not coming back no matter how sad he is. and that is also when family and friends assumed the worst was over and that i was more or less okay. It probably took extra love and patience for them not to strangle me as i toyed with the idea of calling him again.
and yes, it's true that it's always darkest before the dawn. I'm finally at a place where i have no desire to try to pick up the pieces of a dysfunctional relationship and force them where they don't fit. I can actually sign up for dance classes or dive trips because i genuinely want to go, and not because i'm trying to fill a gaping void.
I still struggle sometimes. At times i feel 4 years' worth of memories slipping away and i panic. Something exists as long as there's someone around to remember it. So, if i move on too, does it mean it's all gone?
It's been a while since I've been to
church but I think God said this:
some love is like a cracked vase,
beautiful but useless. There's a
hymn about sparrows being fed
that is meant to comfort lonely
people. If there is anything just
about our world, you would be
on your way home to me tonight.
I think God said this: you don't
always get what you want,
and sometimes that's a good thing.
- Anneisrestless
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