As much as i would like to wipe out the past 7 months and pretend it never happen, the fact is it did. And i can't keep blanking out the hurt and humiliation. I need to process it so here it goes:

I loved him so fucking much. The moment he came back, i was so ecstatic i didn't even pause to think of what he'd put me through when he broke up with me the first time. It didn't matter, see, we were the couple that made it through LDR and NS and broke up but oh, we're still in love, we'll make it work. 

Except we didn't. Getting back together isn't like starting a new relationship. The old hurts and insecurities and frustrations don't magically evaporate because of the time spent apart. They just stay temporarily hidden under a bubble of happiness and nostalgia and familiarity which eventually pops.

The first time we fought over the same old stupid thing, i realised how much, subconsciously and effortlessly i had let my guard down completely. This defence that i had painstakingly built day by day, had just been crushed because of my blind optimism and hope.

The second time, the third time, the forth time the same fight happened - that's when the sinking feeling in my gut returned. And i tried to slay the demons in my head, tried to quieten the doubts raging in my mind. But the voices got louder and i grew resentful and bitter and tired. You grew dismissive and cold.

It felt like a slap to my face, what you said about how your mum felt about me. I spent the past two weeks tiptoeing around your household, never feeling quite at home, looking in as the outsider and trying my fucking best not to let it get to me, watching how spoilt and selfish you are. You, telling me how they'd never approve because you make me sad, oh that stung.

You broke my heart then walked back in, only to stomp all over it again.
And yet, at the end of the day, it's my fault because i made you sad.

So yes, this is my story. Just because you give a relationship your fucking all, and you love each other, doesn't mean it will work out. Sometimes after 5 years, it's hard to differentiate between love and manipulation, happiness and selfishness, expectations and obligations.

Today, i had to sneak out of the house to cry in peace because i couldn't stand the concerned looks of my parents, wondering what was wrong with my first day of work.

Today, I woke up wishing that i didn't exist because i really didn't know how to anymore.

And that's okay. Pain comes and goes, it will ebb and flow.

Thank you God for so many friends across the globe who remembered that it was my first day of work today and sent messages of love when i least expected it. And for those that i'd the courage to confide in, for continuously checking up on me and keeping me sane and alive.