Things i never knew

For starters, the ridiculous number of things that can trigger old memories. A whiff of soap that used to linger on the jacket i stole from your room, the sound of an incoming FaceTime video call, the sight of boys huddled around an iPhone replaying the highlights of a soccer match. It doesn't matter how much stuff i've tried to remove from my room. There are things just can't be boxed up.

How the cycle of grief really works. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I remember the night after, how I actually felt slightly better and optimistic about the future. Dory told me I'd skipped the first four stages and went straight to the fifth cause I was that good. But that's not how life works. Not only is it nearly impossible to skip any stage, it's very likely that all five feelings will hit you all at once in a day. I go through all the phases everyday, it's bloody exhausting. From trying to stomach the shock

how do i begin to admit to myself that it hurts to see you hurt over someone else

is this what it felt like for you when i started dating again?

i think a part of me always wondered if somewhere down the road again, if our lives crossed paths again, whether something would happen. first loves, they don't go away with time.

but now, the door is firmly closed. right now, all i can think of is

what we have wasn't special anymore, i'm so, so replaceable. 

because although i have no desire to go back to that dysfunctional, toxic relationship, there were raw glimpses of pure, unadulterated happiness. yet to be tainted by heartbreaks and cynicism. back when we thought we'd live happily ever after in this bubble.

i'm so tired of hurting and feeling like shit.