how do i begin to admit to myself that it hurts to see you hurt over someone else

is this what it felt like for you when i started dating again?

i think a part of me always wondered if somewhere down the road again, if our lives crossed paths again, whether something would happen. first loves, they don't go away with time.

but now, the door is firmly closed. right now, all i can think of is

what we have wasn't special anymore, i'm so, so replaceable. 

because although i have no desire to go back to that dysfunctional, toxic relationship, there were raw glimpses of pure, unadulterated happiness. yet to be tainted by heartbreaks and cynicism. back when we thought we'd live happily ever after in this bubble.

i'm so tired of hurting and feeling like shit.