Things i never knew

For starters, the ridiculous number of things that can trigger old memories. A whiff of soap that used to linger on the jacket i stole from your room, the sound of an incoming FaceTime video call, the sight of boys huddled around an iPhone replaying the highlights of a soccer match. It doesn't matter how much stuff i've tried to remove from my room. There are things just can't be boxed up.

How the cycle of grief really works. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I remember the night after, how I actually felt slightly better and optimistic about the future. Dory told me I'd skipped the first four stages and went straight to the fifth cause I was that good. But that's not how life works. Not only is it nearly impossible to skip any stage, it's very likely that all five feelings will hit you all at once in a day. I go through all the phases everyday, it's bloody exhausting. From trying to stomach the shock

how do i begin to admit to myself that it hurts to see you hurt over someone else

is this what it felt like for you when i started dating again?

i think a part of me always wondered if somewhere down the road again, if our lives crossed paths again, whether something would happen. first loves, they don't go away with time.

but now, the door is firmly closed. right now, all i can think of is

what we have wasn't special anymore, i'm so, so replaceable. 

because although i have no desire to go back to that dysfunctional, toxic relationship, there were raw glimpses of pure, unadulterated happiness. yet to be tainted by heartbreaks and cynicism. back when we thought we'd live happily ever after in this bubble.

i'm so tired of hurting and feeling like shit.

it is what it is

i rarely come back to this place unless i'm fucking, uncontrollably sad. i remember feeling uncomfortable a few times, upset even. but this, this is unfamiliar territory. this is the taste of betrayal because i really thought i was fucking done with this so why is this happening again to me why the fuck am i hiding in a toilet cubicle crying and trying my best not to make a sound.

because in this new, shiny relationship, you were supposed to be my knight in shining armour. never to repeat the same mistakes as my Ex, you were different. or at least that's what i told myself when i swallowed whatever residual fucked-up feelings i had and blocked my Ex on telegram once and for all last week. that this is what i deserve, happiness. that you could be all that to me, and most importantly, that i would never find myself backed into a toilet cubicle fucking sobbing again.

but demons never really leave, do they? maybe they just come back in different forms to haunt you and feed on all your insecurities until you just descend into the pit of insanity. because that is literally. how. i. feel. right. now. that i am standing at the tipping point and looking into the vague distance and realising that oh this is how it's going to be. nothing has changed. and the full fucking knowledge that despite how miserable i am, i will never leave. because that is. just. how. i. am. i stay, even when i shouldn't. i stay until he chases me away like a small homeless puppy.

to think that the Ex could still tell me, without flinching that he never stopped waiting for me. and why did i not wait for him. are. you. fucking. kidding. me.

maybe i'm just a shitty person who meets shitty people and this is just the story of my shitty life.

i don't wish to go back but oh God,

i wish i knew what was happening when it happened. that first loves burn out like a flame and that feeling of innocence and giddy happiness and unadulterated love - that doesn't happen again, ever.
i wish i could drink up every moment, soak it in. lie under the stars without a care in the world, think that this is my fairy tale ending and actually believe it. feel my pulse racing when he leans in to kiss me for the first time, feel my skin pressed up against his and understand what love songs were about.

it's different now. love is calmer, gentler. we reserve parts of ourselves from the past that we can't recover from. love is conditional now, it meets expectations and obligations and lists of criteria. love picks you up and sends you home. love makes you feel secure, comforted, safe. gone are the days of screaming matches, of that sick feeling of desperation and heartbreak. gone are the days where emotions run high and wild. love is controlled now, certain, steady.

i think i look happy enough on the surface.

but i need time. and oh God, time is what i do not have.

i am constantly backed into a corner; i know what's expected of me, so i do it.

i'm not sure how long i can do this for.

The sorry thing about loss is
it’s not the pain that beats me, 
but the fear the pain will pass, 
that sooner or later I will pull myself together and move on. 
That’s the killing blow. 
To know that someday down the line,
no matter how hard I fight it, 
I will forget how it felt to love you.