it is what it is

i rarely come back to this place unless i'm fucking, uncontrollably sad. i remember feeling uncomfortable a few times, upset even. but this, this is unfamiliar territory. this is the taste of betrayal because i really thought i was fucking done with this so why is this happening again to me why the fuck am i hiding in a toilet cubicle crying and trying my best not to make a sound.

because in this new, shiny relationship, you were supposed to be my knight in shining armour. never to repeat the same mistakes as my Ex, you were different. or at least that's what i told myself when i swallowed whatever residual fucked-up feelings i had and blocked my Ex on telegram once and for all last week. that this is what i deserve, happiness. that you could be all that to me, and most importantly, that i would never find myself backed into a toilet cubicle fucking sobbing again.

but demons never really leave, do they? maybe they just come back in different forms to haunt you and feed on all your insecurities until you just descend into the pit of insanity. because that is literally. how. i. feel. right. now. that i am standing at the tipping point and looking into the vague distance and realising that oh this is how it's going to be. nothing has changed. and the full fucking knowledge that despite how miserable i am, i will never leave. because that is. just. how. i. am. i stay, even when i shouldn't. i stay until he chases me away like a small homeless puppy.

to think that the Ex could still tell me, without flinching that he never stopped waiting for me. and why did i not wait for him. are. you. fucking. kidding. me.

maybe i'm just a shitty person who meets shitty people and this is just the story of my shitty life.