And if from the course You intend, I depart, speak to the sails of my wandering heart

The reason why i started this blog was because i was at a phase in my life where i needed to write to mourn the loss of a love. I took the direct link down from instagram after a while because it felt too personal and private to share with the world. A few days ago, i completely removed the link from my tumblr page.

See, this isn't me. I only write when i feel absolutely broken and devastated and need an outlet to vent.  Most of the time, i'm perfectly happy and pre-occupied with other matters. But recently, i couldn't reconcile both versions of myself anymore. I stopped writing, both in my personal diary and here, because it felt so toxic just to keep revisiting all these old feelings. Healing isn't linear, but i can feel myself recovering from the trauma and pain. It doesn't help to keep picking at the scab to inspect the wound underneath.

I don't know how accurate the page visits on blogger is, but if it is - i don't know how and why but people still consistently read what i post. Not only from Singapore but all over the world. Which is a bit confusing; i don't know anyone in Russia or Germany currently but still, it's nice to know that someone's at the receiving end of what i'm writing. When it first happened, i read so many thought catalogue articles and random blogs about other people who have gone through the same thing. It helped to normalise what i was feeling. If what i wrote brought comfort to even just one person, i'm thankful.

But as always, eternally grateful to God for His love and grace. Never once have i felt completely alone or helpless - be it needing someone to talk to at 3am when i was drowning in waves of sadness or just good company to get my mind off everything.

I probably won't come back here anymore, i'll leave this as a memento of the love i once fought so fiercely for.

somehow that means you and i, we get to keep breathing for a while

Ofcourse it's exhausting, 
having to reason 
all the time in a universe 
which wasn't meant to be
reasonable. 

Sometimes all it takes is just one wild night out to make you realise how long you've waited to drink and dance to forget the ache buried so deeply within your bones.

When you say yes to every shot offered and draw curious stares from acquaintances, ignore the hushed explanation being offered that she's going through a break-up. This will startle you for a second, weren't you already done with the breaking up? Didn't you plaster a smile on each morning and bask long enough in the sunlight and laugh enough to let others know that you were alright? Why do they think that you're downing shots after shots to get through something already broken? 

But that will also be the night where you learn that alcohol and tears don't mix well, and how strange it feels to be that tipsy and light-headed without the security of his arms to hold you steady. Instead, your friends will pry your phone away from your grip because they know how much damage one silly drunken text can unravel.

That will be the night you learn that friends who lie alongside you and stroke your hair and tell you about their own heartbreaks as you sob hysterically into someone's duvet, are friends worth having.

When you wake up the next morning to the delicious smell of Nutella pancakes and scroll through your phone log, be thankful you didn't try to drunk dial him at all. Cringe when your friends tell you about all your embarrassing drunk antics and be grateful they got you out soon enough.

That will be the night you realise that it's alright to be heartbroken, no one was expecting you to be fine.

your heart is the size of your fist (because you need it to fight)

but the sky is really beautiful
right now
and i know that i am often sad but
there are moments when i fall 
in love with the world and 
i adore all the oxygen 
in my lungs 
and i'm not scared
anymore. 

Some days are easier than others. There are moments where i catch myself lingering, frozen at a memory in the past. There are times where an offhand remark is made that reminds me of something he used to say. But still, with each sunrise, the ache is fading.

One day, i'll look back and realise i've spent a whole lifetime without him.