fuck you for breaking my heart again. fuck you for not having the decency to do it face to face, or even initiate the conversation with me. fuck you for constantly invalidating my feelings, leaving me to deal with my own insecurities and making me feel so small around you. fuck you for walking away for the thousandth time, for never chasing after me or pulling me back. fuck you for making me watch star trek the second time even though i hated it the first time. fuck you for never sending me home, for being so transparent each time you came up with a new excuse to be home early. fuck you for calling me names like clingy and crazy and possessive when i never got personal during fights. fuck you for never getting me flowers, even on my own graduation day. fuck you for doing the bare minimum and telling me to constantly lower my expectations. fuck you for being sweet and kind and funny and letting me fall in love with you. fuck you for calling me every night and singing me to sleep when i couldn't. fuck you for holding my hand in public all the fucking time. fuck you for never getting jealous or crazy or sad or angry. fuck you for making me laugh when i was sad, for holding me when i cried. fuck you for carrying my luggage throughout venice, for navigating me home in florence when it was late and we were lost and scared. fuck you for not even getting angry then even though i used your phone to play stupid games and drained your battery so we couldn't use google maps. fuck you for enveloping me in giant hugs every time we met. fuck you for not remembering when i was starting work even though i reminded you a million times. fuck you for making plans to surprise me after. fuck you for having the emotional capacity of a snail. fuck you for never being able to talk about your feelings. fuck you for being so unwilling to attend my family events. fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

the first time we broke up, i didn't let myself grief or be angry. i rushed into rebounds, dating random guys just to fill the void of emptiness inside me. and now, for the first time since i was 17, i am COMPLETELY FUCKING ALONE AND I AM GOING TO GRIEF AND I AM GOING TO ALLOW MYSELF TO GET MAD AND I AM GOING TO HEAL.