The sorry thing about loss is
it’s not the pain that beats me,
but the fear the pain will pass,
that sooner or later I will pull myself together and move on.
That’s the killing blow.
To know that someday down the line,
no matter how hard I fight it,
I will forget how it felt to love you.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Friday, August 19, 2016
i feel like i'm going through a very trying but exciting season of my life right now. Stepping into the working life, having to be politically correct and being mindful of office politics all the time, being thrown into the deep end and constantly constantly constantly praying for wisdom each time i struggle through a new assignment. But at the same time, forcing myself out of my comfort zone by joining a new cell group, signing up for choir ministry and dance sessions. It's difficult meeting new faces all the time and putting on a friendly face and making uncomfortable small talk but.........we all have to start somewhere right???
and ok it's 1:23am which is way past my bedtime because now i'm so used to sleeping by 11pm latest and having to crawl out of bed at 645am but it's friday night and i'm trying to abuse it but it's not working because my brain is winding down and i'm typing gibberish so ok goodnight.
Monday, August 15, 2016
"I LOVE YOU, AND I'M ALWAYS GONNA LOVE YOU, BUT I DON'T WANT TO LOVE YOU. I WANT TO BE HAPPY."
22 and struggling with this heartbreak.
but can i just say that i am insanely proud of myself for not caving in and actually choosing to walk away instead of getting sucked into the moment and believing all the promises that i knew he wouldn't deliver. that was probably the most painful thing i've ever had to do, and i carry that ache with me everywhere.
BUT I STILL FUCKING DID IT. AND I AM GOING TO ACTIVELY CHOOSE NOT TO RUN BACK TO THIS TOXIC CYCLE AND BREAK THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL. NO MORE TEXTING HIM JUST BECAUSE I'M SAD, NO MORE DRUNK CALLING HIM JUST BECAUSE I LET MY EMOTIONS GET THE BETTER OF ME. NO MORE SECRETLY HOPING THAT THINGS WILL WORK OUT. NO MORE READING SAD POSTS OF HIS AND FEELING MY HEART BREAK ALL OVER AGAIN. NO MORE RUSHING INTO REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS JUST TO PROVE A POINT. NO MORE. NO MORE. NO. MORE.
(also, having friends and family who tell you it's okay to be sad, it hurts because it meant something, take as long as you need, instead of getting impatient with my recovery (or lack thereof) really, really means the universe to me. thank you for not trivialising whatever i'm going through.)
but can i just say that i am insanely proud of myself for not caving in and actually choosing to walk away instead of getting sucked into the moment and believing all the promises that i knew he wouldn't deliver. that was probably the most painful thing i've ever had to do, and i carry that ache with me everywhere.
BUT I STILL FUCKING DID IT. AND I AM GOING TO ACTIVELY CHOOSE NOT TO RUN BACK TO THIS TOXIC CYCLE AND BREAK THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL. NO MORE TEXTING HIM JUST BECAUSE I'M SAD, NO MORE DRUNK CALLING HIM JUST BECAUSE I LET MY EMOTIONS GET THE BETTER OF ME. NO MORE SECRETLY HOPING THAT THINGS WILL WORK OUT. NO MORE READING SAD POSTS OF HIS AND FEELING MY HEART BREAK ALL OVER AGAIN. NO MORE RUSHING INTO REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS JUST TO PROVE A POINT. NO MORE. NO MORE. NO. MORE.
(also, having friends and family who tell you it's okay to be sad, it hurts because it meant something, take as long as you need, instead of getting impatient with my recovery (or lack thereof) really, really means the universe to me. thank you for not trivialising whatever i'm going through.)
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Monday, August 8, 2016
Last week was a complete blur of stressing over my new job and staying out late every night to numb the pain. Didn't quite work because the sadness would hit whenever I was alone (or even when I wasn't) and I ended up falling sick.
So instead now, I have a new plan which is to go easy on myself and rest as much as I can, recognise that whatever feelings I had for him are unique and special and not transferable to another random guy. To heal and breathe and be okay with myself.
So instead now, I have a new plan which is to go easy on myself and rest as much as I can, recognise that whatever feelings I had for him are unique and special and not transferable to another random guy. To heal and breathe and be okay with myself.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
fuck you for breaking my heart again. fuck you for not having the decency to do it face to face, or even initiate the conversation with me. fuck you for constantly invalidating my feelings, leaving me to deal with my own insecurities and making me feel so small around you. fuck you for walking away for the thousandth time, for never chasing after me or pulling me back. fuck you for making me watch star trek the second time even though i hated it the first time. fuck you for never sending me home, for being so transparent each time you came up with a new excuse to be home early. fuck you for calling me names like clingy and crazy and possessive when i never got personal during fights. fuck you for never getting me flowers, even on my own graduation day. fuck you for doing the bare minimum and telling me to constantly lower my expectations. fuck you for being sweet and kind and funny and letting me fall in love with you. fuck you for calling me every night and singing me to sleep when i couldn't. fuck you for holding my hand in public all the fucking time. fuck you for never getting jealous or crazy or sad or angry. fuck you for making me laugh when i was sad, for holding me when i cried. fuck you for carrying my luggage throughout venice, for navigating me home in florence when it was late and we were lost and scared. fuck you for not even getting angry then even though i used your phone to play stupid games and drained your battery so we couldn't use google maps. fuck you for enveloping me in giant hugs every time we met. fuck you for not remembering when i was starting work even though i reminded you a million times. fuck you for making plans to surprise me after. fuck you for having the emotional capacity of a snail. fuck you for never being able to talk about your feelings. fuck you for being so unwilling to attend my family events. fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
the first time we broke up, i didn't let myself grief or be angry. i rushed into rebounds, dating random guys just to fill the void of emptiness inside me. and now, for the first time since i was 17, i am COMPLETELY FUCKING ALONE AND I AM GOING TO GRIEF AND I AM GOING TO ALLOW MYSELF TO GET MAD AND I AM GOING TO HEAL.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
so last night, my plans were to crawl back home from work and spend the evening wallowing in self-pity and sob my eyes out again.
instead, dory came over and we skyped my UK friends. i'm pretty sure the only crying i did was from laughing too hard.
today, i was so certain that after my third drink i'd be a total mess on the floor, cursing and crying. but with each sip, i felt happier and warmer. like there was a happy glow inside me that reminded me how much more there was to life. the relief of being just me and for once, being enough, is overwhelming.
instead, dory came over and we skyped my UK friends. i'm pretty sure the only crying i did was from laughing too hard.
today, i was so certain that after my third drink i'd be a total mess on the floor, cursing and crying. but with each sip, i felt happier and warmer. like there was a happy glow inside me that reminded me how much more there was to life. the relief of being just me and for once, being enough, is overwhelming.
Monday, August 1, 2016
As much as i would like to wipe out the past 7 months and pretend it never happen, the fact is it did. And i can't keep blanking out the hurt and humiliation. I need to process it so here it goes:
I loved him so fucking much. The moment he came back, i was so ecstatic i didn't even pause to think of what he'd put me through when he broke up with me the first time. It didn't matter, see, we were the couple that made it through LDR and NS and broke up but oh, we're still in love, we'll make it work.
Except we didn't. Getting back together isn't like starting a new relationship. The old hurts and insecurities and frustrations don't magically evaporate because of the time spent apart. They just stay temporarily hidden under a bubble of happiness and nostalgia and familiarity which eventually pops.
The first time we fought over the same old stupid thing, i realised how much, subconsciously and effortlessly i had let my guard down completely. This defence that i had painstakingly built day by day, had just been crushed because of my blind optimism and hope.
The second time, the third time, the forth time the same fight happened - that's when the sinking feeling in my gut returned. And i tried to slay the demons in my head, tried to quieten the doubts raging in my mind. But the voices got louder and i grew resentful and bitter and tired. You grew dismissive and cold.
It felt like a slap to my face, what you said about how your mum felt about me. I spent the past two weeks tiptoeing around your household, never feeling quite at home, looking in as the outsider and trying my fucking best not to let it get to me, watching how spoilt and selfish you are. You, telling me how they'd never approve because you make me sad, oh that stung.
You broke my heart then walked back in, only to stomp all over it again.
And yet, at the end of the day, it's my fault because i made you sad.
So yes, this is my story. Just because you give a relationship your fucking all, and you love each other, doesn't mean it will work out. Sometimes after 5 years, it's hard to differentiate between love and manipulation, happiness and selfishness, expectations and obligations.
Today, i had to sneak out of the house to cry in peace because i couldn't stand the concerned looks of my parents, wondering what was wrong with my first day of work.
Today, I woke up wishing that i didn't exist because i really didn't know how to anymore.
And that's okay. Pain comes and goes, it will ebb and flow.
Thank you God for so many friends across the globe who remembered that it was my first day of work today and sent messages of love when i least expected it. And for those that i'd the courage to confide in, for continuously checking up on me and keeping me sane and alive.
I loved him so fucking much. The moment he came back, i was so ecstatic i didn't even pause to think of what he'd put me through when he broke up with me the first time. It didn't matter, see, we were the couple that made it through LDR and NS and broke up but oh, we're still in love, we'll make it work.
Except we didn't. Getting back together isn't like starting a new relationship. The old hurts and insecurities and frustrations don't magically evaporate because of the time spent apart. They just stay temporarily hidden under a bubble of happiness and nostalgia and familiarity which eventually pops.
The first time we fought over the same old stupid thing, i realised how much, subconsciously and effortlessly i had let my guard down completely. This defence that i had painstakingly built day by day, had just been crushed because of my blind optimism and hope.
The second time, the third time, the forth time the same fight happened - that's when the sinking feeling in my gut returned. And i tried to slay the demons in my head, tried to quieten the doubts raging in my mind. But the voices got louder and i grew resentful and bitter and tired. You grew dismissive and cold.
It felt like a slap to my face, what you said about how your mum felt about me. I spent the past two weeks tiptoeing around your household, never feeling quite at home, looking in as the outsider and trying my fucking best not to let it get to me, watching how spoilt and selfish you are. You, telling me how they'd never approve because you make me sad, oh that stung.
You broke my heart then walked back in, only to stomp all over it again.
And yet, at the end of the day, it's my fault because i made you sad.
So yes, this is my story. Just because you give a relationship your fucking all, and you love each other, doesn't mean it will work out. Sometimes after 5 years, it's hard to differentiate between love and manipulation, happiness and selfishness, expectations and obligations.
Today, i had to sneak out of the house to cry in peace because i couldn't stand the concerned looks of my parents, wondering what was wrong with my first day of work.
Today, I woke up wishing that i didn't exist because i really didn't know how to anymore.
And that's okay. Pain comes and goes, it will ebb and flow.
Thank you God for so many friends across the globe who remembered that it was my first day of work today and sent messages of love when i least expected it. And for those that i'd the courage to confide in, for continuously checking up on me and keeping me sane and alive.
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